09 January 2008

Lack of Imagination

For some reason my brain has just switched off for the time being, or at least to be occupied with other matters than writing blog stuff. I am still trying though, since its relaxing to write now and then. Most of the writing I have been doing recently has been a story I am working on, more for my own entertainment than anything else. Still trying to get more time at work as well.

Actually my mind does not seem to be so much switched off as scrappy and wandering, I keep getting distracted and bored with things. I can focus for a short time, but not long, and I do not know why. To be honest I rather dislike it, I always used to be able to hyperfocus on things, ignoring everything else around me while, for example, I read a book, listened to music, played a game, wrote, practically anything. Now I seem to be unable to concentrate on such things for more than a minute or two at most before my mind starts wandering.

On the other hand I also seem to be a lot more content with life at the moment, much more at peace and settled with things. I do not know if this calmness has to do with my new inability to over-focus, or if it is related to the fact that I have lost my rage and bitterness at the world, my dissatisfaction and irritation at things. Maybe it is just because of the winter. I hope so, I do not like being in this sort of state. I miss my passion in life, even if at times I do not enjoy it. I am comfortable enough, but everything seems grey and dull these days. Comfort is not nearly enough, life is far too simple at the moment. I need some chaos. Maybe it is a form of masochism, maybe not, but things are just far too easy. I need the storm to arrive.

08 January 2008


Oh well, so much for behaving. I have this to say for the friend's sister, she's a good kisser at least. Not the smartest apple in the harvest, but sod it, I have no interest in feeling guilt any more. If I did I would never get anywhere. Nothing has gone further yet, and I suppose it may not, but frankly I am currently horny and lack the money to travel in order to acquire any simpler satisfaction.

Of course as I have said before something in me craves complications in life. We will see what happens this weekend, when I have the house to myself for a while and may have visitors. With luck it may be Russian visiting instead, but still I have only got as far as hugs with her, and chatter. I suspect that is as far as I will ever get, not necessarily because she actually believes me and takes me seriously, but more likely because I actually like her. That is rather a novelty for me, while I do not like to hurt people it is mostly due to the fact that I do not like to be a bad guy. In the case of Russian, and a few others, it is because I actually give a damn. Quite a novelty indeed.

I am mildly drunk at the moment so this entry may not be incredibly consistent, not to mention that the time is rather late, or early depending on how you look at it and I have had a busy day of trying to outwit players. I also miss Mystery, rather a lot, since I have not had time to speak to her recently. She may well not read this, in fact she probably will not, but I still hope that she can make it her soon.

Work is being complicated, I still need to find a way to get myself full-time work rather than simply part-time. I need the extra money, and I need to find a way to use the time that I would otherwise be at work for. At least I need to find a way which is in some way productive and useful, rather than simply sitting and scheming to myself. Tomorrow I meet Russian for coffee again, looking forward to that. I will let you know how it all goes.

I just do not seem to have much to write about at the moment, suggestions, comments or questions are more than welcome. I have a need to write but seem to be unable to think of anything to write about.