Philosophy of Life

It is only recently, in fact over this very Christmas period, that I have really come to appreciate the fact that I do indeed have a new outlook on life. My massive well of bitterness, cynicism and anger at the way the world is does indeed still remain but I no longer allow it to interfere with the small pleasures I try to take in everything. I have heard people talk about living in the moment, or living each day as your last, and these philosophies seem to be the closest to the way I now see things but still miss certain aspects that I find essential.

Take wine, a good example. A glass of wine with a meal is something which many people do take some sort of pleasure in, though I suspect the vast majority of people in this day and age simply drink it as many would have once drunk water, milk, or something similar with their meal. To most it seems to be simply something to accompany the meal, nothing in and of itself. To a connoisseur of wine then the wine is possibly the major aspect of the meal, but still they miss something. The wine itself can be savoured and tasted, enjoyed, remembered. The way that the wine may compliment the meal, or not as the case may be, is equally as important and as much pleasure can be taken in that. Each experience can indeed be new, even if it is one you have felt before.

Many times I have walked in the rain, simply out of enjoyment. Today I found myself caught outside without my hat, and I do not yet have an umbrella. Many began to dash for the nearest shelter, hurrying along, suddenly desperate to be elsewhere, out of this meteorological phenomena which they have decided is unpleasant. It was cold, chill throughout and I was near-shivering already, but I did not, and still do not, believe that hurrying to escape this, joining the mad rush for crowded shelter, would in any way benefit my health. Instead I paused for a moment, tilting my head back and letting the rain strike my face, damping my hair and trickling down my neck. The fact that it could be considered a pleasant or unpleasant experience was not something I was interested in at that time. Merely that it was an experience, a sensation that I have experienced before and probably will again but never in quite the same way.

Living in the moment implies an impetuousness. Seize the moment, grab the now, worry nothing for the past or the future, simply live now. I oppose this most strongly. The past makes us who we are, the tragedies and traumas of it combine to become the aspects of our personality. There is nothing to be ashamed of in the past, though I would not relate certain events to various people for reasons that only I need to know, but the past is gone. If you hold on to what is slipping away, you will be trapped by it, but if you let it go completely then you have nothing from before. Have no regrets for what is gone, no matter what it may be. Mourn when appropriate, and then smile and laugh afterwards. There are times when we feel sad and we should indulge ourselves in those moments, but we should not draw them out any longer than we have to.

No more should we artificially try to extend moments of joy and happiness, pleasant though they may be. Our minds themselves know when the moments are past and trying to force them to remain will simply seperate us from the world.

I suppose that is the main point. Do not live in the past. Do not live in the future. Do not live in the present. Live, be, experience. Sorrow, joy, guilt, freedom, hatred, love, pleasure, pain, accept all of them simply for what they are, and neither expect nor try to make them or yourself anything more. Certainly try and change things, advance yourself if you wish, sink if you wish, but do it for yourself rather than because you feel you should. What matters is what you want, what you think is right, not what others tell you or what you feel should be so.

Into Unconsciousness

Originally I was going to make this entry a rant about something which occured at work today, but I have changed my mind, probably a good decision. Instead I will take you back on a journey through time, to a younger, more active time. In fact a time when I was back with Tart and discovered that it is in fact possible to screw someone unconscious.

The process took five hours, some bondage, a bit of light pain, and lots of sex. She was tied up and at my mercy for almost the entire time, though a safeword was specified first. The actual sex only started after the first hour, which I spent mostly teasing and tormenting her with mouth and hands, and various toys. Whenever I felt myself close to orgasm, I would stop, and use her mouth instead for a time, carefully to let me calm down but still keep me hard. While doing this I would abuse her with various toys, whether the rabbit, a plug or anything else that came to hand.

I did however take pictures, which I recently discovered when someone reminded me of this through an inadvertant comment. These pictures will not be up on this blog, for fairly obvious reasons I would hope. Anyway, as you can imagine after five hours of constant stimulation, usually in at least two places, not to mention that my hands and mouth were wandering, occasionally stroking, squeezing, slapping, licking or biting her defenseless little body, and more orgasms on her part than we bothered counting, she suddenly went limp.

After a moment's panic I ascertained that she was still breathing, freed her, and waited a few minutes for her to come around which she eventually did.

On more current matters Mystery is still around, and sent me a post card recently. It must be said that she has a talent for selecting good pictures. Tomorrow afternoon I will probably be meeting Essex for a time, and Thursday Sweetie. Then friday is more LRP, and next Monday of course is my trip to Ireland.

Word of the day: Woking, meaning to walk into the kitchen then forget what you went in there for.

Experiences of Sex and Pain

Even for supposedly vanilla people sex and pain are often intrinsically linked. This post may contain a handful of terms which some are not familiar with, so it might be easier for me to explain them now. Vanilla refers to plain sex, though people use the term differently. Some use it to refer to any sex which does not involve some sort of kink or violence, others use it to refer specifically to missionary sex. Bondage refers to being bound, whether with rope, chains or anything else. Domination and submission refer to power plays, usually just during sex but for some people extending a long way outside the bedroom. Sadomasochism is an enjoyment of giving or receiving pain.

One important thing for this post is the distinction between kinks and fetishes. A fetish is a strictly defined term, and in terms of sex means something without which someone cannot have sex. A kink on the other hand is simply something which can enhance the experience or enjoyment of sex. I have many, many kinks, but no true fetishes.

Now as to my own experiences, my first experience of rough sex, sadomasochism, was also the first time I actually had sex. That one I have already talked about, so this is more for the others.

Mainly in alternative sex, as it is sometimes described, I tend to take a dominant role. It can happen that the right person can push me into a submissive attitude, but that is extremely rare. The first time that occurred was with the same girl who I had my first time with. I ended up being entertainment for a party, though I still do not know how many people there were at the party, having been blindfolded and restrained for the whole time. The details are rather vague and blurred in my head, the whole thing being a mess of voices, hands, and the occasional mouth, for eight hours.

I could barely move afterwards. Being locked with your wrists to your ankles for eight hours of writhing and struggling takes its toll on your joints. I had marks around my wrists and ankles for weeks afterwards.

Of course as I said I have been very much on the other side before, I have had people acting as my pets for days, following every order, surrendering everything in the way of choice to me for a time and taking punishment if they disobey. This is why I am looking forward to my trip to Ireland, it has been a long time since I have been able to play with someone with that level of submission. I have various toys along those lines, a simple whip which I have never used. It is more a prop than anything else. A cane which is particularly well-made, with a nice weight, and leaves good solid welts when correctly applied to the body. Carefully blunted knives which can prick and give the illusion of danger, but are incapable of actually cutting.

Safety is actually important in this sort of sex though. Safe words are used in case things go too far, something I am careful to establish with any partner who may be partaking in risky activities with me. I have spare keys for any restraints I have, and a small set of lockpicks just in case those go missing.

Definitely looking forward to Ireland though, where I can actually put this sort of thing to its full use again. I may not want to indulge every time, but every now and then it is an urge which I want to have a chance to explore.

Pain and Pleasure

Admittedly this is a very stereotypical post for someone like me to make, and has been discussed many times before, but I still feel like mentioning it. I cannot think of anything else to post about tonight at least, though suggestions for future posts are more than welcome. Anyway onto the topic.

One of my more disturbing party tricks was discovered a while ago by a friend who wanted to show off his grip. He tried to crush my hand, in the middle of a pub. The moan I let out was enough to discourage anyone from doing it again. The fact that I had a stupid, semi-orgasmic grin on my face for the next few minutes only made it worse. Similar incidents have occured before, and since, usually prompted by comments of 'hurt him, its funny' or suchlike by friends.

Now while I do not mind people finding my reaction to pain fairly comical most of the time, it can get a little irritating. In a way it might be thought of as someone finding it amusing that you find it pleasurable to have someone kiss your neck. If pain is a sensual pleasure, then inflicting that pain becomes linked in some way to that pleasure. That pleasure, even if it may be enjoyable to be watched, or take risks in public, is still a highly intimate thing, and so pain becomes the same.

The other thing I should mention is that not all pain is the same. In a fight for instance I do not want to get hurt. In a context where things could be serious, where I could end up severely injured, it stops being fun. Only when things are casual, or at least I am not in actual danger, are things enjoyable.

Now to flip the coin I also enjoy inflicting pain, again in a relatively safe manner. For anyone who may not know the fancy word for this, sadomasochist is the term that you are looking for. If you are thinking of the stereotypical leather-wearing person in bondage then I am afraid you are under a misconception.

As to why I enjoy it, something I have been asked before, I have some difficulty explaining. It may simple be that I enjoy sensation, all sensation, and pain is amazingly close to the sensation that orgasm brings. Or it may just be bad wiring in my brain. It could even be a deep-buried self-loathing that makes me enjoy being hurt. Any of those could be the case, essentially though I enjoy giving and receiving pain.

This post has ended up a little longer than I was planning, so any how-to tips or details of my own experiences will have to wait until another time. I think experiences might well be saved until after I have had a chance to visit Slave in Ireland and play a little more in this particular fetish.