The Art of the Insult

I have grown bored on the insults that people resort to in these days of simplicity and convenience. Such thrown insults as wanker, bastard, bitch and so on are simply too light in their substance. They are a fast food format, they are the McDonalds and the Burger King of the slight against another person. They may be filling temporarily, but that full feeling is only temporary, and so lacking in taste and texture that you will soon wish you had another. These insults are truly pitiful, there is no emotion to them, and no impact, they even appear as friendly nicknames on occasion.

What happened to the days when killing insults were used? When people would duel to the death, or be provoked into violence or fleeing by a well-crafted phrase? Why do we no longer take the time to construct an insult that will reduce a person to tears or pale-faced shaking in their boots? Are our enemies no longer worth this effort, or has the diet of flavour-free entertainment robbed us of our imagination and reduced us to simply parrotting those insults and curses we hear through our favourite media?

So I say no more! No more will I resort to this simple, ready-packaged insults devoid of depth and impact. From this moment on any insult I utter will be carefully crafted, unique to whomever I am insulting and with the full force of my passion and belief in the need for them to be cursed or insulted contained within it. No more shall I say simply 'you wanker', when instead I may say 'you are an ignorant cur who should have been cast unto the rocks at your birth and dashed apart by the waves', no more will I say simply 'fuck you' when I can instead throw 'I hope for the sake of the future of humanity that any children you have are still-born and any wife you may take poisons you in your sleep'.

I am now going to research the historical greats of the insult, Shakespeare, Churchill, Wilde and many others besides. I will study their skills and arts, and return armed in verbal warfare.

Missing Words

English is extremely short on words and phrases to describe certain concepts, so I have taken it upon myself to rectify this error with regards to certain topics. For tonight I have chosen the rather obvious topic of relationships. Now it is known my many that the Greeks had three words for love, using Eros, Philia and Agape, each used for different aspects of love but sadly these days simply translated, all three, as just 'love'.

Eros is love as it is generally used today, a romantic, passionate, sexual love. It includes a desire for the body of another person as well as a lust for their companionship. Philia is an almost dispassionate, friendly love, a philosophical and mental love of someone rather than any lust for them. Agape refers to a love for the family, in simple terms, including the spouse. Once Eros has been worn away by the passing years Agape is the name for what remains if anything does.

Even these I believe, were we to absorb them into our language, would be insufficient. Eros for example refers to passionate love, with a touch of lust, but what about those feelings which are almost pure lust, with a touch of philia as an almost seperate feeling about someone? Someone whom you care about, and feel lust for, but not necessarily passion? None of these can be described even by those philosophical Greeks.

So, the different types of relationships, simplified and reduced obviously, that I believe exist:

• eros - an inflamed, passionate relationship, the first part of many relationships where those involved cannot keep their hands off one another
• philia - long-developed friendship, any feelings of lust dealt with long ago so that only an enjoyment on one another's companionship remains
• agape - love for the family, simple, instinctual feelings of protectiveness and care for family
• storge - again stolen from the Greek and changed, feelings of gentle affection. a child's relationship with their 'girlfriend' for example, that slight crush that makes you smile when you think of them for no real reason
• frato - sticking with the Greek theme, feelings more developed than just friendship but still non-sexual, a friend you would count as part of your family
• destro - my own invented word (I think), an obsession with someone to the point where a relationship would be destructive to both, being unable to resist a particular person, and doing anything they ask
• calc - a cold, unforgiving relationship where someone is simply out for what they can get from it and have no real feelings for the other person

I will most likely be adding to this list over time, as I think of more, and others are welcome to add their own.

Beautiful, Pretty, Gorgeous, Stunning, Cute and More

I have a theory.

This theory relates to words and the way they taste, or feel, or smell.

Some people tell me that I can use words well, and I suppose that is fairly true.

For example I know that if I happen to write out a sentence in a certain way, even if it does not make sense, say 'fingers stroking, touching, tickling, lips pressing, kissing, sucking, tongue tasting, licking, flicking, explosion of white, bursting over mouth and hands, ouring down skin, dripping, sliding, oozing', that there are certain people who will find it a little more powerful than simple words should be. They will sit, squirming in their seats, wanting to bring their hands down, to touch themselves, tease themselves. The bit that I enjoy is that they will probably be reading this at or just before work. It gives me a certain little feeling of power.

Anyway this is more about words that carry a certain feel to them, particularly the more abstract or descriptive words.

The ones I really want to focus on are the compliments. Each one describes something different to me, kind of like foods, each delicious in its own way but with its own distinct, delicious taste. Like the difference between meringue and ice cream.

Alluring - You can try to ignore them, as you can try to ignore that faint, pleasant smell that you can just catch as you breathe in, the light scent of perfume in the air. But it will drag you to it, you just have to know exactly what it smells like, what it tastes like, how it feels. Even if you know that you will not be interested in it after you have tested it, that you will find it wanting, you still have to find out for yourself and you will do anything to do so.

Beautiful - This one always feels slightly odd to me, highly rare to actually find and seems to have as much in my mind to do with personality and the way people act as anything else. It is not even always a good thing. Usually I would say that beautiful is a word to describe someone who would be commonly found attractive, to both men and women. Not necessarily inspiring lust but definitely drawing forth some form of open-mouthed awe. The sound, the smell, the colour, all something slightly elusive and difficult to describe outside my own head.

Cute - Try and deny that cute is a pink word. A challenge for you. Cute definitely feels pink in my head, and it smells of strawberries and melting sweets. It also suggests innocence, though not necessarily an incorruptible innocence, more of a naiveity. Younger women and smaller women can be best described as 'cute', though anyone with some sort of childlike aspect whether behaviour or looks could justifiably be described with this particular term. While cute is always fun I find that it either tends not to last long around me, or becomes a little grating after too long a time. It is a little like eating candyfloss, and trying to tell yourself that you are still enjoying it when your hands are sticky and the light cotton is dissolving into a thick, sickly mess.

Foxy - Generally this would probably be considered fiery and sexual, but to be honest someone that I would describe as foxy tends to be someone that I think of as sexual in a very plain way. It is hard to work out exactly how to put what I mean, but someone I would describe as foxy would be unlikely to be someone I would consider adventurous in bed. Possibly a little cinammon flavour, interesting for a while but without much variety.

Gorgeous - This has to be my favourite. You can almost taste the word as you say it. This is not a word to describe frail, fragile, whispy little beings with their square, flat bodies that belong better flitting through forests with wings than in my bedroom (not that I will turn them away). This word is rich, filling, it rolls across the tongue as it is said and clings tightly to the person described by it, their curves must be anything but girl-like. A generous, smooth roundness must be obvious in them. When this sort of person wears a figure-hugging dress you can see it clinging to every spare line of them, any you can see the knowledge in their eyes that they know exactly what you and every other man ( or potentially woman) is thinking as they look at them. It tastes of bitter chocolate, rich and almost too thick to eat, with a heady scent of fresh-spilled sweet wine and dry, burning flower petals.

Pretty - I would prefer to use pink again for this, but cute is definitely a pinker term than pretty. Pretty is so much more innocent. With cute there can be the implication of mischief, of first, fumbling, clumsy sex, or of a fake innocence that melts away along with clothes. Pretty though is exactly that, the innocence it implies is fixed. This is someone who is nice to look at, but they will not learn, they will not willingly fumble, it is hard even to picture them in such a way. There is no taste with this word, and the only scent is fresh, clean air, maybe cut grass.

Stunning - Shocking, as it should be. An electric term, the type of person who can be described as stunning is exactly that. This is the one who, whether they are your type or not, make you stop thinking for a moment and just look. It is like the shower suddenly spraying cold for a moment, taking your breath away and tearing your mind from your thoughts. They are not necessarily attractive, but there is just something about them, whether it be how they act, how they look, anything, it just drags your attention to them and holds you there for a few seconds. The taste is metal, heated metal in the air with its sharp bite at the tip of the tongue.