Where is my Snow?

Snow means a lot of different things to me, one of the main ones being that I do not have to work if it snows. Above and beyond the fact that I get a free holiday, however, is the chance that snow gives me to just act like a child with no guilt or shame. I can run outside, grabbing friends or family members, and build a snowman or start having a snowball fight without any criticism or disparaging looks. Everyone relaxes just enough to enjoy the snow, regardless of their age, and remembers for a little while how to play.

It is something that most people seem to forget as they get older, the ability to simply play without letting all of the restrictions we feel as adults get in the way. So often we take things too seriously to laugh at them, or find ourselves in too sombre a mood to enjoy the things we wish we could. We mention that things are petty or childish, because it makes us feel older and more important to do so, ignoring the fact that we would secretly love to do those things.

I have been accused by friends, and others, many times of treating life like a game and of not taking anything seriously enough. The problem I find is that when people accuse me of treating life like a game, they often seem to assume that I am playing it as such in order to win some mystical shining prize. As with many other games which I play, I know there is no way to win, the aim is to enjoy getting to the end and have a good time with the other people playing as you do so.

Resolutions

So what will I be resolving to do this year? I am not quite sure myself yet, but there are certain things that I have made a definite decision on.

1. Put effort into whatever I am wearing - No longer am I going to opt for the easy route of jeans and whichever t-shirt I happen to grab. On the rare occasions that I will not be wearing some sort of suit my outfit will now be carefully considered and thought through. I will also be on a continual search for ties, hats, cufflinks, waistcoats and the like, not to mention such styles as a hard-boiled detective ensemble, or pin-stripe gangster suit. I have finally grown bored of the blending in which my normal clothes allow, and decided to go in the opposite direction, not to make a statement as such, merely to stand out a little more than I do already.
2. Reduce the amount of cigarettes I get through - I am not going to try and simply quit overnight, that would be foolish, but I do intend to try and cut down on the number of cigarettes that I smoke until I can get by on one every couple of days. Of course, there is no guarantee this will work.
3. Be more organised - For once I am actually keeping track of money, appointments and so on in a little diary. If I can keep this up then I might even be able to avoid double-booking arrangements as I have many times before, and avoiding my overdraft would be pleasant as well. I am also keeping track of names and phone numbers in another book, for the inevitable moment when I lose my phone.

That is all for now, but I may add more later if I think of any or if anyone suggests any. In other news for the day, the acquaintance's sister has tracked down my phone number by temporarily stealing her brother's phone. I could have warned him that telling her to keep away from me would not work, but there you go. Moderate levels of flirting ensued but mostly the conversation simply consisted of friendly talking.

The cast-list cleanup will be occuring tomorrow, or tonight if I get back from a meal with Russian early enough.

Back to Normality

Back to work today, always seems slightly unreal after the frenetic activity of the holidays to return to an office where my basic duty is to sit and stare at a screen, while pretending to be doing something productive. That is even what I am doing now, sitting here acting as though I am researching a new system and working on a project proposal rather than typing out a blog entry. I will probably begin to blog more often again now, since the mad rush is over and I should have more time to myself. Of course, Wintereenmas is coming up and I have various preparations to carry out for that, not to mention organising various parties and gatherings.

For those of you who may not know about Wintereenmas, it is a holiday designed to help fill the gap between Christmas and Easter, and is a celebration of all things game-related, whether they be computer games, board games, card games or anything else. LAN parties and gaming nights are traditional seasonal celebrations, and the week of celebration itself is always the last week of January. The rest of January is usually taken up, as with Christmas, in gearing up and preparing for the season. Decorations are made and strung, board games are laid out with care, computers are cleaned and polished and games are installed upon them. Essentially Wintereenmas is an excuse to get together with a whole group of friends, get drunk, and have fun, not necessarily in that order. This year I will be trying to take full advantage of the holiday by gathering as many friends as I can for all forms of gaming.

Going back to the holidays past, things have been hectic to say the least. New Years was a round-the-world affair beginning in Australia at midday, with a barbeque, and working around the world until we reached England. Then of course everyone was pulled from their beds early in the morning for a large American breakfast, involving pancakes, waffles and champagne. I was mixing cocktails for most of the night, and for once was not having to deal with any members of the female persuasion as I decided to deliberately ring this New Year in alone, with just family and friends. It made a nice change to be able to just be myself for a while, and be able to be selfish.

I also decided not to really worry about resolutions, though I have made a decision to improve my style of dress. Any attempt I may have made to quit smoking for New Years was quickly discarded as the huge relief that the first cigarette of the new year granted me quickly discarded any good intentions I may have had.

Appropriate to a New Year, I will be starting the cast list over. It will be wiped clean and only those who are still around this year will be included, but that will be done when I get home from work. Or when I get bored and my boss' back is turned, whichever comes soonest. Other changes or resolutions will be announced as they crystallize in my mind.

Oh, and the acquaintance's sister has been in touch. Apparently she searched through her brother's room in order to find my phone number so that she could text me a New Year message. This must be kept quiet, since supposedly she has been warned to keep away from me and not talk to me. I feel more than a little aggrieved at this sort of treatment. It seems that certain people have absolutely no understanding of human nature.

Philosophy of Life

It is only recently, in fact over this very Christmas period, that I have really come to appreciate the fact that I do indeed have a new outlook on life. My massive well of bitterness, cynicism and anger at the way the world is does indeed still remain but I no longer allow it to interfere with the small pleasures I try to take in everything. I have heard people talk about living in the moment, or living each day as your last, and these philosophies seem to be the closest to the way I now see things but still miss certain aspects that I find essential.

Take wine, a good example. A glass of wine with a meal is something which many people do take some sort of pleasure in, though I suspect the vast majority of people in this day and age simply drink it as many would have once drunk water, milk, or something similar with their meal. To most it seems to be simply something to accompany the meal, nothing in and of itself. To a connoisseur of wine then the wine is possibly the major aspect of the meal, but still they miss something. The wine itself can be savoured and tasted, enjoyed, remembered. The way that the wine may compliment the meal, or not as the case may be, is equally as important and as much pleasure can be taken in that. Each experience can indeed be new, even if it is one you have felt before.

Many times I have walked in the rain, simply out of enjoyment. Today I found myself caught outside without my hat, and I do not yet have an umbrella. Many began to dash for the nearest shelter, hurrying along, suddenly desperate to be elsewhere, out of this meteorological phenomena which they have decided is unpleasant. It was cold, chill throughout and I was near-shivering already, but I did not, and still do not, believe that hurrying to escape this, joining the mad rush for crowded shelter, would in any way benefit my health. Instead I paused for a moment, tilting my head back and letting the rain strike my face, damping my hair and trickling down my neck. The fact that it could be considered a pleasant or unpleasant experience was not something I was interested in at that time. Merely that it was an experience, a sensation that I have experienced before and probably will again but never in quite the same way.

Living in the moment implies an impetuousness. Seize the moment, grab the now, worry nothing for the past or the future, simply live now. I oppose this most strongly. The past makes us who we are, the tragedies and traumas of it combine to become the aspects of our personality. There is nothing to be ashamed of in the past, though I would not relate certain events to various people for reasons that only I need to know, but the past is gone. If you hold on to what is slipping away, you will be trapped by it, but if you let it go completely then you have nothing from before. Have no regrets for what is gone, no matter what it may be. Mourn when appropriate, and then smile and laugh afterwards. There are times when we feel sad and we should indulge ourselves in those moments, but we should not draw them out any longer than we have to.

No more should we artificially try to extend moments of joy and happiness, pleasant though they may be. Our minds themselves know when the moments are past and trying to force them to remain will simply seperate us from the world.

I suppose that is the main point. Do not live in the past. Do not live in the future. Do not live in the present. Live, be, experience. Sorrow, joy, guilt, freedom, hatred, love, pleasure, pain, accept all of them simply for what they are, and neither expect nor try to make them or yourself anything more. Certainly try and change things, advance yourself if you wish, sink if you wish, but do it for yourself rather than because you feel you should. What matters is what you want, what you think is right, not what others tell you or what you feel should be so.

Man-Flu

I have always found this term amazingly insulting, particularly since it was first used of me when I was in my younger years, and shortly after it was used I was diagnosed with pneumonia, hospitalised for a month and effectively bed-ridden for another five after that. That was fun. Hallucinations, respiratory problems whenever I tried to so much as move, and according to various people I was simply suffering from man-flu.

Anyway the reason I am bringing this up now is that I am suffering from flu. I am not suffering from man-flu, where the basic symptoms are of a cold but the apparent suffering is worthy of the black death. In fact soon, as I have been for the last few days of suffering, I will drag myself from my bed, check to see whether my temperature is maintaining its average of 104C, pull on clothes to suit my new look, and make myself be active without complaining. All of the complaining I may have wished to do, but refrained from, the last few days will be occuring in this post.

Each of the last few nights I have spent several hours wrapped up in a thick duvet, with three portable electric heaters blasting huge quantities of heat at me. This is an attempt to feel warm, or at least not cold enough to have chattering teeth and be shivering. My head feels like it has been carefully stuffed with cotton wool, and my nose feels like someone has stuffed corks into it. My throat meanwhile feels like I have deepthroated someone wearing a sandpaper condom. All in all, I do not feel particularly well, and the next person to accuse me of whining or having man-flu will be subjected to a sound verbal, and if I feel up to it physical, thrashing.

So now I need to concentrate on concealing my symptoms, in order to meet Russian to go to the cinema tonight. Should be interesting at least. I still cannot quite figure out whether or not I could push my luck with her and get away with it, and until I do so I am not taking the risk. I should also be visiting Sweetie some time in the next few days, before the New Year, and my moral dilemma has been heightened once again. See, before it was just that I was willing to potentially have some fun with my friend's sister, nothing serious. Now however he has threatened me, trying to scare me off her. I do not take threats well.

Little Sinner Nic

I can tell you all now that Christmas day is a bad time to realise that you have run out of cigarettes, nicotine gum, tobacco and fixings, pipe tobacco, lozenges, inhaler cartridges or any other product which contains nicotine. I have managed to keep a calm head throughout most of the day, right up until the last minute when I had to leave the family meal and walk home, hoping to regain control of my temper and stop the nicotine withdrawal fit which I was suffering from

For anyone who may not understand, do not start smoking, but I feel that I should explain the reason that a nicotine fit can be unpleasant. Nicotine is a sedative, which helps to suppress and calm anxieties. Essentially it is an artificial coping mechanism for times of stress. Unfortunately when this coping mechanism is removed, the anxieties feel much worse, and with the other effects that withdrawal brings the phrase 'I would kill for a cigarette' could easily become literal. My mind still is not quite straight now, even though I managed to acquire a half-pack.

Which brings me to the second part of the story. On the walk home I passed a gaggle of girls or young women, of indeterminate age, chattering and smoking. Passed may be the wrong word. A nicotine fit can massively heighten certain senses, at least I find it can, and from several hundred yards away I tracked the smell of smoke to the group. I then had to think of a way to seperate these people from their nicotine, which took me a few seconds to plan while 'Merry Christmas's' were exchanged, and were replied to with rather drunken hails in response. My cunning plan was then complete, and I requested a cigarette, explaining carefully that my sanity may be at stake and hoping that my rather snappy clothing would help speak for me, not to mention my recently neatened goatee and charming hat.

They did. One of the girls handed me a cigarette, and another asked if I would be alright for the rest of the day. I expressed doubt and, with giggles that I hope were due to alcohol rather than youth, one of the girls offered me the remains of a pack in exchange for a kiss. Now what worries me is that in various films and popular culture cigarettes are prison currency, and essentially I traded sexual favours for a few of them. The sexual favours were extremely limited, and involved no more than a little tongue and a touch of wandering hands, but does this now make me a prison bitch?

Oh, and I got a phone number out of the deal as well. I really need to start printing up business cards. All I need to do now is hope that the girl in question is indeed legal. I suspect that she is, although that may merely be optimism.